September 1, 2003
My family as well as my many friends know how much I grieve
over the past and how sorry I am for the crimes I committed at a time when my life was out of control and my thoughts were
demonic and twisted.
God knows that if it were possible, I would do all that I could
to undo those crimes. But acts like this cannot be undone. To believe so would only be wishful thinking.
Sadly, the reallity is that the pain I caused other people
will not go away. Their loved ones wil never be replaced. And if I had the opportunity to personally apologize to every person
I hurt in the past, I would gladly do so.
Thus, concerning Neysa Monkowitz and the death of her daughter
Stacy. Over the years I have been praying for Mrs. Moskowitz. Many of my friends have also been praying. We care about her
And these prayers have not been unanswered. I wrote in my journal
entry for December 8, 2001 about the phone call that Mrs. Moskowitz and I had on this day. It was wonderful! Being able
to speak to her and apoligize was, for me, a dream come true.
Over time our relationship began to progress. we exchanged
letters. I made a few more calls. In addition, on three occasions I was even able to send her money which she was exceedingly
gratefeul for. As she is now a widow with only meager finances.
Her husband died a number of years ago. And her middle daughter,
Ricky Beth, passed away at the age of thirty-seven from a terrible disease.
Mrs. Moskowitz has known much suffering, and death has often
been an unwanted visitor to her home.
September 2, 2003
However, as our relationship progressed and her long journey
of healing had begun, interference came in from another person, and our developing relationship was severed. I was so disappointed.
It was my hope that one day Mrs. Moskowitz could visit me.
My friends were all prepared and eager to bring her from Florida, where she now lives, to their home in New Jersey.
Then they planned to drive Mrs. Moskowitz here, where she and
I would have been able to meet privately in the prison's waiting room..
All of Mrs. Moskowitz's expenses for the entire trip would
have been taken care of. They wanted to treat her as a queen, and she would have met new friends, too.
Unfortunately, however, a media person tempted her by offering
to film our first meeting for television. This is a long story and it would take pages to explain. Suffice to say, she wanted
to be on TV, and I felt that it was selfish exploitation on the part of the reporter, who was persuading her to do this. And
I politely and honestly told her so.
Now Mrs. Moskowitz is angry at me again. I did not give in
to her demands, nor did I succumb to this reporter's manipulations.
And so she stopped writing to me. Likewise I found it pointless
to continue writing her, as she refused to answer the last few letters I sent her.
I have kept a log of all the letters I mailed to Mrs. Moskowitz.
My first letter to her was a ten page typed letter that was dated July 25, 1998.
September 3, 2003
Over time I would write more letters to Mrs. Moskowitz. She
was answering almost every letter.
Recently, though, all the letters I received from her I turned
over to my attorney, Hugo R. , which I cherish dearly, for a long time. But I felt that her letters were not safe here.
So he has them.
Also, I sent Mrs. Moskowitz letters and money in 2001. However,
awhile ago I gave my attorney my mail log for 2001, to store in his office. so I do not have it in front of me to refer to
at this time.
But what I do have is my log for 2002. And here is a list of
the letters I sent to Neysa Moskowitz during the year 2002, in addition to my last letter to her during the year 2001, which
I logged into my 2002 book because this final letter of 2001 was sent right before the new year.
Date of Letter Approximate Postmark Contents
Dec. 26 Dec. 31 (2001) 3-page handwritten letter
Jan 08 Jan.10 (2002) 3-page handwritten letter
Feb. 08 Feb. 11 " 1-page handwritten letter w/ small greeting
Feb. 10 Feb. 12 " 2-page typed letter
Feb 12 Feb. 13 " 2-page handwritten letter
Mar. 5 Mar. 06 " 2-page typed letter
Mar. 13 Mar. 14 " 4-page written letter w/ photo
Apr. 9 Apr. 10 " 3- page handwritten letter
May 03 May 06 " Mother's Day Card
September 4, 2003
Had not a certain media person come between Neysa Moskowitz
and myself, I am fairly certain that the chance was great that she and I would've already met.
If I had the opportunity to meet with Mrs. Moskowitz, I would
have shared many things with her to ease her mind as well as confess my guilt.
And I am confident, and I believe, by faith, that one day this
will happen. Then when it does, both our lives shall be better as a result.
Over the years I tried my best, within the limitations of imprisonment,
to help Mrs. Moskowitz. I certainly haven't neglected or deliberately ignored her. I am aware of her grief and pain.
Further more, she has more than a dozen letters of mine in
her possession. What she eventually decides to do with them is her business.
My letters to her were friendly, kind, and hopefully, encourageing.
So if she one day chooses to make them public, I have no objections. There is nothing in those letters for me to be ashamed
However, I hope that no one tries to take advantage of Mrs.
Neysa is a good person, and I wish her the best in life. God
loves her, and so do I.
September 10, 2003
IN REMEMBRANCE OF 9/11
Many people probably think that prison inmates live in our
own world and that events which happen outside of these walls do not interest or affect us. Nothing could be further from
I saw how big the hearts were of many of my fellow inmates
when the terrorist attacks happened on September 11, 2001.
Like tens of millions of people in America, as this tragedy
unfolded, we were riveted to our televisions and radios. We were saddened and horrified.
And we prison inmates did something about it. In the weeks
and months following the attacks, we gave of our meager finances and resources.
I shared about this in some of my journal entries in 2001.
We came together to pray. We came together to give. We tried to make a difference.
In the DOCS/TODAY, which is the official magazine of the New
York State Department of Correctional Services, the January 2002 issue had a lengthy "Cover Story" article about the Corrections
employees and inmates who came together to give.
According to this article, donations were taken at every prison.
The money was then sent to the world Trade Center Relief Fund and to the American Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund. In addition,
canned food was collected as well as blankets, and hundreds of cases of bottled water, all of which was sent to the emergency
workers at "Ground Zero".
A complete listing of every correctional facility and what
each one donated (some were only able to donate money) is stated in the article.
DOCS/TODAY, January 2002, Vol.11, No.1
September 13, 2003
I am looking forward to autumn. Here in New York it is beautiful
in the Fall when the leaves turn different colors and the air is crisp and cool.
I am learning to thank the Lord for the "little things", like
watching a flock of geese fly over my head or being able to feel the cool autumn air blowing over my head or being able to
feel the cool autumn air blowing against my face.
In addition I am grateful for the good friendships I have with
those who are of the same faith as me.
Today I was blessed with a visit from my Christian friend,
Mark, who travelled from Pennsylvania to fellowship with me.
I had such a good time of spiritual refreshing. And Mark and
I prayed together too. I feel as if I've known him all my life.
Then yesterday Darrell Scott came by with his son, Mike. Darrell,
who lost his daughter Rachel Joy during the Columbine High School shooting in 1999, was on his way to Long Island to share
his daughter's story of forgiveness and hope.
It was a wonderful privilege to be able to spend a couple of
hours with Darrell and Mike, and to hear about the good things God is doing through them.
I am thankful for this short respite in between my times of
persecution and trials.
September 20, 2003
Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious apearing of
the great God and our Savior Jesus Christ.
This is a picture perfect sunny Saturday. It is hard to believe
that only yesterday the tail of Hurricane Isabel passed this way. In my area there was only some heavy periods of rain and
fortunately no damage to anyone's property other than some downed power lines.
Today, however, as i was doing my morning devotion, I began
to once again have an ever increasing desire to go home to be with Christ.
I am wailting for, and I long for, the Lord's appearing. I
am anxious for the"rapture" and the call to go home to glory.
I am so thankful to know the Lord and to walk with Him. In
spite of my weariness and the oftentimes painful trials and tribulations that I must face, walking with Jesus is wonderful.
In the end it will be worth it all when I finally meet my Creator,
when I see Him face to face.
All my present struggles and hardships will be forgotten. My
years in prison will seem like the blink of an eye. And even now, as I live out this Christian life through the power of God's
Spirit, I have so much peace in my heart.
I am living with a glorious hope that becomes more real to
me with each passing day.
I believe that one day, as the Bible has promised, the Trumpet
of God will sound. And those who are alive in Christ will instantly arise with those who have died in Him. We will be "caught
up into the clouds" and we will forever be with the Lord (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18).
September 21, 2003
It is late afternoon. Right now brilliant beams from the sun
are gleaming through my open window. I can feel the warm rays as they caress my face.
There is also a moderate wind that's blowing in. The cool air
is blending perfectly with the sun's gentle end of summer warmth. It is a gorgeous day!
This morning, as our worship service was coming to a close,
the altar call was given. A few dozen men quickly made their way from their chairs to the front of the chapel. And as hands
were upraised, each man began to cry out to God in his own way.
Lately I have been seeing this more and more. Men seeking to
make their peace with God, to have their sins forgiven, or to get help in their times of distress and despair.
No one tries to restrain any of these prisoners from crying
out from the depts of their souls. Some groan in desperation as they awaken to their needs. For God's work is penetrating
hearts and the Holy Spirit is working unseen, tenderly speaking to broken lives.
With today's spiritually stirring service followed by an afternoon
of sunny warmth, if there is such a thing as "feeling" very close to God, then this is it.
September 22, 2003
A LOST SOUL
"Whoever comes to Me, I will never turn him away."*
Today I received a letter from an older Christian couple whom
I have been corresponding with for a number of years. And one of the things they shared about was the untimely and tragic
death of their grandson's best friend, who was twenty-three years old. He committed suicide.
They were trying to make sense of his desperate act. They also
knew that this young man had been struggling with drug addiction. He had been in "rehab". But he didn't do well in the program
he was in.
Now, sitting in my cell on this chilly almost Fall evening,
I am trying to imagine what this young man's life was like. He was probably very depressed. I believe that he felt shame and
failure, and that he had no hope left. Perhaps he believed that "nothing is working".
Sadly he saw suicide as an option to end his pain. I wish he
had placed his faith in Jesus Christ.
I do not know if this man ever heard the gospel and God's unconditional
offer of complete forgiveness for his sins.
But what I do know is this: that if young people only knew
how much God loves them, and how much He wants to embrace and help each one of them, they would run to Him. They would jump
into the arms of Jesus.
Unfortunately, however, multitudes do not know the truth. Perhaps
they think of God as being angry and disappointed in them. They think He wil never accept them. But oh! how wrong is this
Even now a loving and caring Savior is knocking upon the doors
of millions of hearts, hoping that someone would open their heart and let Him in.
September 27, 2003
Today is the day that Jews everywhere celebrate our New Year.
It is officially the year 5764.
And as I am writing this journal entry I am watching God's
gallant display of clouds marching in parade across the heavens. The deep blue sky and the columns of huge milky-white clouds
are both breathtaking and mesmerizing. What a Creator!
On this Rosh Hahanah I was up early in the morning. I spent
much of this morning reading the apostle Paul's letter to Titus in the New Testament. It is only three chapters in length,
but it is packed full of healthy "spiritual meat".
Rosh Hahanah has nothing to do with this letter to Titus, but
this is where the Lord lead me.
Oh how wonderful is this day. How good it is to know my Messiah.
I do not deserve such goodness from God's Hand. I deserve death for both my sins and my crimes. Yet God has granted mercy.
He has given me a forgiveness I could never merit or achieve on my own.
"Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according
to His mercy He saved us, by the washing of regeneration and the renewing of the Holy Spirit" (Titus 3:5).
September 28, 2003
THE SECOND DAY
This Sunday is the second day of the New Year for the Jews.
I have begun my journal early, and in a little while I'll be going to the prison's chapel for the worship service.
At this moment, shortly after breakfast, I am sitting at my
little desk. Actually it is not a desk at all, but rather a 36-inch long by 15-inch wide steel shelf that is embedded into
the cinder blocks which make up the back and side walls of this cell.
As opposed to yesterday's beautiful blue sky and God's parade
of pure white clouds, today is rainy and damp.
I do not specifically know all that God has planned for my
life. Yet whatever it is, it will be good and perfect. He may want me to remain still and quiet in His presence. Or He may
continue to keep me in the "backside of the desert" to await some future call to the ministry.
But while I wait I am learning to allow my own "flesh" and
my own "ambitions" to be crucified so that God's will is ultimately fulfulled in my life.
I do know, however, that many trials and tribulations are ahead.
They will help me to build more trust in the Lord, and they will help my faith to grow. Now I just have to learn not to run
away from them.
September 30, 2003
He tried to kill himself by jumping from the top tier of his
cell block. He plunged at least thirty feet and slammed against the concrete floor. But he survived and he is still recuperating.
I wrote about this despondent inmate in my journal entries
for August 3-5, 2003.
He was depressed and lonely. He was hearing voices, and his
life, he felt, was spinning out of control. He saw no hope for his situation. Sadly, for this man suicide seemed an acceptable
end to a life of mental illness and deep inner pain.
Now I have learned that he has been transferred from the prison's
infirmary where he had been confined to an isolation room and kept under constant watch.
He was sent to the Central New York Psychiatric Center in the
town of Marcy, where he will remain until the mental health staff at the Psychiatric Center determines that he can be sent
back to a regular maximum security prison.
While I may never see this man again, I will continue to pray
for him. Jesus Christ loves him, and he is a human being whom Jesus died for.
In this environment Satan uses many devices to bring men to
ruin. He whispers into the minds of many that life is not worth living. That there is no hope and one is better off dead.
How he lies!
Christ is fully capable of redeeming any person no matter what
crime they may have committed to get into prison. God can and will pull a person from Satan's grip and bring him spiritual
freedom. I pray that this troubled man finds this freedom.